Mom Burnout is a real thing. Our pretty social media pictures do not tell the whole story. I tend to be a tell it like it is person, but now that I am a little older, I know that most people do not want to know the reality. But, am I depressed or just burnt out as a mom? Is there anything I can do to help this feeling of mom burnout?
One thing that I know works, is sharing in a transparent way. The true friends and loving family will support and encourage. I know one thing for sure: When we do not share our frustrations, no one knows.
When they do not know they can not help. Now, I know most of our friends and family just can’t really do a thing to take weight off of our shoulders. After all, they have their own loads to carry. It is rare these days to have that close community of support – especially if you live far from family.
As a military spouse, I see everyone around me juggling kids and life often as a single parent. Spouses may be deployed, working long hours, or away for a few days.
I know even non-military spouses travel for work. My dad used to travel 2 weeks every month. My mom juggled working part time and being home with us two kids. She did not hide her emotions on the tough days. For that I am forever grateful.
She never pretended to be someone she was not. She was loving and supportive. But, she also got mad at us when we were giving her attitude. She showed her frustrations when life was weighing heavy. I never once felt mistreated when my parents shared their emotions. It was healthy to see them overwhelmed, feeling the heaviness, and getting that feeling out.
There is a line between showing emotions and abusing your children with putting too much on their shoulders. I never ask my children to make me feel better. It is not their job to make me feel happy. Narcissistic parenting is a real problem. When we tell children that they will “make mommy happy” if they do x, y or z, we are making our emotions what the kids need to work on as their goal.
Children do not need that.
Yes, telling children that their behavior is getting too loud or overwhelming is totally ok. It is necessary for our kids to hear us tell them when they need to calm down or slow down. Life skills are taught in those interactions. Discipline is essential to raise good kids.
We would be abusing our children to let them fly into chaos without any enforcement of boundaries, discussion or consequences.
Modern parenting philosophy is not helping parents raise successful children that grow into successful adults. Part of our overwhelm, mamas, is our own doing.
When we let the child pick the outcome, we will feel run down. When we have firm boundaries that we enforce, we will preserve our child’s self-discipline and our own successful parenting lessons.
Otherwise, we let children raise themselves.
Overwhelm is a sign that we are not standing up for the rules of our homes. We are letting too many forces vie for control. It is time to take that control back.
Living a more disciplined life ourselves will help us avoid that depressed feeling of burnout. When we focus on priorities every day – first – and then schedule in the extras, we take control over our life.
Focus on the positive is something I have heard a lot my whole life. Don’t dwell on the negative. Let it go. Refocus on the good. Gratitude mindset in action is a form of rose colored glasses. I get that.
But, I think we need to give ourselves permission to feel bad when it is tough. We need to feel safe talking to a welcoming friend. Yes, it will feel like you are flustered and awkward trying to get the emotions into words and out of your head. But, that release is important. I feel great when a friend reaches out to discuss their challenges. I know your friends will feel like that too.
One word of caution: There absolutely are dismissive people in the world and maybe you have them in your life. I know I do. There are people that I know who will push off my sharing of challenges and force-redirect me to focus on the positive. So, I have learned to not share with them. They get my celebrations but they do not get to be my coach through the hard times.
Ideally, our spouses will be our person. They will be the ones to listen. And, we need to be that for them too.
The stress is not something we can prevent. We can plan for it, reduce the pain of some of it, but it will always be there because motherhood is hard and it is fulfilling. Anything that requires service-work and effort will feel challenging at times.
I know I go through tough weeks. It can feel heavy but I know it is also temporary. Eat a salad, have a cookie, pray hard, go for a walk, whatever you need to treat yourself on the hard days.
Then, plan forward for building in rest and recharge. Try a hobby. If you find one you love, do it regularly. Plan in time every few days or a couple times a week so you can breathe, have quiet, and refocus your emotions.
I know I am not depressed; I am just feeling burnt out on those days. How do I know?
When I take 30 minutes to read a book, or go run an errand by myself, I feel refreshed. I feel better after giving myself some quiet time. When we take the action step to help ourselves rest – even if for just a few minutes – and that feels better, we just need to make an effort to work in that quiet time regularly.
If you are feeling postpartum depression or depression after your children are older, reach out to a friend, a family member, or a doctor. Don’t wait. Just know there are paths to releasing the stress that may be weighing you down. It is ok to let yourself feel it.
