After sharing that there were indeed two babies in my pregnant belly, I was offered advice about how to manage twins plus the two I already had at home. I was asked fairly frequently, “Do you think you can handle four kids?” Unwanted or unsolicited advice can be hard to deal with.
This stumped me a bit and made me initially feel that I knew nothing as a mom. I had been a parent for almost 6 years. I knew how to juggle, at least, two kids. In life I believe we never get more than we can handle with God’s help.
“Can I handle it?” I do not have any other option.
This pregnancy was my fourth. My first ended in a miscarriage.
Considering that I have a chronic illness, I assumed motherhood might not happen in my life. It turned out that pregnancy number two happened on the first try. Pregnancy number three took a few months. Now we have twins on top of it all. I must know something as a mom!
I did feel like I was experiencing pregnancy for the first time again with the twins. Twins are something new!
I gained 50 pounds in 36 weeks, my sciatic nerve ached regularly from 20 weeks if I was on my feet too much.
There was a learning curve for all of us in this family with these new babies. My toddler and my belly were fighting each other for lap space-the belly usually won. If only my energy level could keep up with the normal routine of my children.
Despite the challenges that a twin pregnancy and twin infants provided me, I know there are many moms who experience much tougher challenges no matter the number of babies they are caring.
When I had baby #2, the nurses told me I already “knew everything” since it was not my first pregnancy. This was a nice little pat to my ego compared to when my first child was born-I was talked to like I had never even seen a baby before!
Now, with twins, I get all kinds of advice and questions again. It all can get overwhelming, but I know that I need to hear it too. This is new.
Can I handle it?
Deep breaths.
I do not know how to handle being a mom to four other than to be patient and figure it out…along the way. I am the best expert on any of my children. There is no other person on the planet hard-wired to know them as well as my husband and I.
I do not say this to imply that I have nothing left to learn. I do not have all the answers today for what will come next week, but since I know the backstory of these little people, I can and will figure out how to proceed no matter the challenges that will be thrown my way.
It will not be easy. It will not be simple. It will not be without hard work. I refuse to quit!
When I really think about it, I need the advice and questions. I can not think of everything. I know most advice is given because people want to help. Questions from other moms seem to imply, “You can’t handle that!”
Questions and advice are more of a commentary on the one who said them. I can weed through the advice and judgments to make the choices I need for my family. I am their expert mom.
Every parenting challenge teaches us and prepares us for the next one. We each can become an expert mom, but only on our children. Motherhood might not be learned through a Master’s course in college, but “mother” is a pretty strong and powerful title. We are experts on our children.
Have you received wanted or unwanted advice? How have you reacted to it?
This post is featured in A Complete Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms: Parenting Tips. View the whole resource HERE.
Being a parent and raising kids is such a challenge. Remember to breathe! You can’t be everywhere at the same time. Working, cooking, cleaning, listening and playing with your kids… not an easy task for sure!
Great article Jaimi. I forget how wise you are sometimes. 🙂 As I approach delivering my 4th, it makes me feel better to see how well you've done with 4.
Jenn, you are too sweet. I am excited for your 4th too! 🙂 I hope I am doing well with my crew…time will tell. I love them and they keep me on my toes that is for sure!
I guess if you know how to be a mom, that means you knew how to get pregnant?:) Either way, life constantly throws things at you that are challenging, be it one child or 19. At least, that's what I think. God gives us these specific children for a reason, and it's our job to figure out why and then do what He wants us to do.
I am not sure that getting pregnant automatically makes us know HOW to be a mom, but I do think God designs us to know how to parent our own children-IF we choose to follow His guidance and put forth the effort and learning required to figure it out. I guess what I tend to believe is that we are each capable of being the best parent for our kids. I agree with you that we have to look to God and He gives us our children for a reason.
Wow and I thought having twins after a singleton was hard! Having twins was so different from a singleton, both with the pregnancy and managing two. Still, there were bits I gleaned from my first experience.
I didn't get too much unsolicited advice, I think because I didn't know too many people twins! But like you, I did get a lot of questions about how I would handle all three (still do, actually).
Having two babies at one time-anytime-is pretty challenging. I am glad you can relate to what it is like. People are just so curious about multiples. You have expert in you too! 🙂
Yes and here's a little hint, you already are an expert Mom. God created you to be their Mom. He knew exactly what He was doing then and every single day you have with your children He is there with you. It's so easy to think we're alone when we're home and there's so much going on and the day goes by in a blur and it seems like we've accomplished nothing (according the world) but we have grown babies in honor of God – and that has an eternal impact. My Mom was a twin and my husband is a twin….. Twins are pretty special and God thinks Moms of twins are pretty special. I'm so blessed by your blog and love the way you share….so open but it's obvious, you're not sitting in the muck and mire, but you're pushing forward!
I completely agree with you! Rebecca, what a kind comment and I hope as moms read through this post they read your comment here as well because it is so important to know we were made for our children and they were made for us! I am so glad to have found YOUR blog and all that you share for moms. Be blessed!
I think just when we have something figured out as moms, our kids grow up a bit and we have to start all over again! Some days motherhood is hard, really hard, for me, but there's only one way forward. Thanks for some good thoughts!
I enjoyed reading this!! I also have twins. They are both girls and they are now 9 and will be 10 in May. They are growing and changing so fast!! They are more and more like little me's every day!! We have a lot of fun, especially with my 3 year old daughter, who they adore for the most part.lol. They are a huge help with her and with my illnesses. I remember those days of constant advice and or questions of "How do you do it?" I used to hate all of that attention because I was so exhausted and a trip to the grocery store with two tiny babies was hard enough, let alone actually making it into the store. It seemed I was stopped on every isle by some Grandmother or social butterfly mother wanting to tell me their stories and how to do everything!! Most advice, I was already hearing from my mom and mother in law. Sometimes, however, I got to talk to some mother that had also had twins. I loved those meetings!! They would give the best advice of all. "You can do this! and It will get easier!!" Those were magical words. My favorite of all the other comments I received was "twice the blesing"!! I remember hearing that and looking at myself in my baggy jeans, t-shirt, and messy hair pulled into a messy bun and no make up and just laughing!! Ha!! Good luck to you!!
Lauren, I agree, meeting other twin moms is so helpful! As I sit here in my pjs after a bit of a sleepless night, I definitely have to focus on living the "twice the blessing" mindset. They really are so precious and this will pass so fast. Love your comment and so glad to know you are out there with twins (and medical challenges) getting this job of mom done! Take care!!
[…] try to remember on the difficult days. The cuddly, kissable, sweet baby faces that introduced me to motherhood. The lovable faces-that are growing into beautiful little people-that are my work in this […]
Being a parent and raising kids is such a challenge. Remember to breathe! You can’t be everywhere at the same time. Working, cooking, cleaning, listening and playing with your kids… not an easy task for sure!
Absolutely! It is a juggling act.
Great article Jaimi. I forget how wise you are sometimes. 🙂 As I approach delivering my 4th, it makes me feel better to see how well you've done with 4.
Jenn, you are too sweet. I am excited for your 4th too! 🙂 I hope I am doing well with my crew…time will tell. I love them and they keep me on my toes that is for sure!
I guess if you know how to be a mom, that means you knew how to get pregnant?:) Either way, life constantly throws things at you that are challenging, be it one child or 19. At least, that's what I think. God gives us these specific children for a reason, and it's our job to figure out why and then do what He wants us to do.
I am not sure that getting pregnant automatically makes us know HOW to be a mom, but I do think God designs us to know how to parent our own children-IF we choose to follow His guidance and put forth the effort and learning required to figure it out. I guess what I tend to believe is that we are each capable of being the best parent for our kids. I agree with you that we have to look to God and He gives us our children for a reason.
Wow and I thought having twins after a singleton was hard! Having twins was so different from a singleton, both with the pregnancy and managing two. Still, there were bits I gleaned from my first experience.
I didn't get too much unsolicited advice, I think because I didn't know too many people twins! But like you, I did get a lot of questions about how I would handle all three (still do, actually).
Having two babies at one time-anytime-is pretty challenging. I am glad you can relate to what it is like. People are just so curious about multiples. You have expert in you too! 🙂
Yes and here's a little hint, you already are an expert Mom. God created you to be their Mom. He knew exactly what He was doing then and every single day you have with your children He is there with you. It's so easy to think we're alone when we're home and there's so much going on and the day goes by in a blur and it seems like we've accomplished nothing (according the world) but we have grown babies in honor of God – and that has an eternal impact. My Mom was a twin and my husband is a twin….. Twins are pretty special and God thinks Moms of twins are pretty special. I'm so blessed by your blog and love the way you share….so open but it's obvious, you're not sitting in the muck and mire, but you're pushing forward!
I completely agree with you! Rebecca, what a kind comment and I hope as moms read through this post they read your comment here as well because it is so important to know we were made for our children and they were made for us! I am so glad to have found YOUR blog and all that you share for moms. Be blessed!
I think just when we have something figured out as moms, our kids grow up a bit and we have to start all over again! Some days motherhood is hard, really hard, for me, but there's only one way forward. Thanks for some good thoughts!
Yes! It can be challenging, but God has us right where he needs us. No boredom when we have to keep figuring it out.
I enjoyed reading this!! I also have twins. They are both girls and they are now 9 and will be 10 in May. They are growing and changing so fast!! They are more and more like little me's every day!! We have a lot of fun, especially with my 3 year old daughter, who they adore for the most part.lol. They are a huge help with her and with my illnesses. I remember those days of constant advice and or questions of "How do you do it?" I used to hate all of that attention because I was so exhausted and a trip to the grocery store with two tiny babies was hard enough, let alone actually making it into the store. It seemed I was stopped on every isle by some Grandmother or social butterfly mother wanting to tell me their stories and how to do everything!! Most advice, I was already hearing from my mom and mother in law. Sometimes, however, I got to talk to some mother that had also had twins. I loved those meetings!! They would give the best advice of all. "You can do this! and It will get easier!!" Those were magical words. My favorite of all the other comments I received was "twice the blesing"!! I remember hearing that and looking at myself in my baggy jeans, t-shirt, and messy hair pulled into a messy bun and no make up and just laughing!! Ha!! Good luck to you!!
Lauren, I agree, meeting other twin moms is so helpful! As I sit here in my pjs after a bit of a sleepless night, I definitely have to focus on living the "twice the blessing" mindset. They really are so precious and this will pass so fast. Love your comment and so glad to know you are out there with twins (and medical challenges) getting this job of mom done! Take care!!
Great share best wishes 🙂
Thank you so much, Mari! I appreciate that. Take care!