I was losing myself in motherhood.
Motherhood.
A collection of ups and downs, highs and lows, joy and sadness, frustration and love – there is just so much that comes with motherhood that is unexpected and not easily describable.
Think for a moment about how many parenting books are currently on the market. I know there’s a lot because I used to buy them trying desperately to better understand myself as a mother and why my daughter was wailing day in and day out. (A sleep deprived mother will go to great lengths to find a solution to get their kid to A) stop crying and B) go to sleep for more than a few hours!)
Of all the things I’ve experienced as a mother I think what has been most unexpected and surprising about motherhood is how easy it has been to lose myself in it.
I remember bringing home my first daughter and thinking how easily she fit into my life. Sure, she brought a crying, pooping and screaming aspect to my life I was previously unaccustomed to, but, hey, we adapt and overcome right? All that aside, she fit into my life as if she had been there all along. I actually forgot at times she hadn’t always been there nestled in my arms or falling asleep on my chest.
Early on in my motherhood experience I somehow got it into my head that in order to be a great mother I had to give up everything about myself that made me “me”. I was a new, overly ambitious mother and I wanted to be the best. This meant focusing less and less on myself.
In some ways, this was a good thing. When you become a mother you have to give up some of what you prized in the “before baby” life like regular date nights, staying up past the late hour of 9 pm and showering every day. You give up sleeping through the night and watching television shows without annoying talking puppets.
It’s all part of being a mom.
In my experience, many mothers fall victim to what I did-losing myself in motherhood. They become people they don’t recognize because they allowed every single part of themselves to become completely consumed with being a mother. I can say this with authority because I too have struggled with losing myself in motherhood and have only recently found my footing. It’s a slippery slope. It’s something that happened silently and steadily without me recognizing it.
Losing myself was easier than I ever imagined. It snuck its way in and took up residence in my life.
I am naturally a guilt-ridden woman. I feel guilt even when I shouldn’t. I can feel guilty for things others do. You can only imagine what having children was like in the beginning!
With my first daughter I felt at a complete loss as to why she cried all the time or got sick all the time or never slept. The guilt I felt for the inability to figure it out, and also not being able to help her was overwhelming. To alleviate the guilt, I would give up a piece of myself. I would push myself a little harder. I would focus more and more on my daughter. This coupled with my husband being deployed, and my daughter and I became an island. An island, no one could reach or was invited to. I knew her better than anyone, leaving no room for her dad or anyone else. I felt that since I was a mother I no longer needed things if they didn’t revolve around my daughter and her well-being.
I gave up things I liked to do even when I didn’t have to.
I let myself go. I stopped taking care of myself. I refused to workout. I ate crap. I ate a lot of crap. I ate away my feelings.
I thought it was selfish for me to get my hair done or want to take a shower without her in the bouncer seat beside the tub. I no longer did things I enjoyed even on the rare occasion she did sleep. I became short with my husband. When I did make time for friends I could only talk incessantly about my daughter.
I let motherhood become me.
It’s a struggle to not feel selfish when you want to do something for yourself. To this day, I feel guilty when my husband watches the girls while I am at work. It has been my job to care for them for so long that letting it go, even a little, makes me feel like I’m not doing “mothering” properly. (I do realize that he is their father and I shouldn’t feel bad or guilty especially since I work from 7 to 2 and then take over all mothering responsibilities until after they go to bed. See, I can’t even take my own advice. It’s a struggle.)
I’m here to tell you taking care of you will go a long way towards taking care of your children and your family. I became a burnt out mother desperately trying to understand why I no longer had interest in things I always liked to do. I wondered why I lost friends or no one wanted to hang out with me. Losing myself in motherhood made me feel miserable.
We have a huge and important job in raising our children. We are the person they run to with skinned knees and other boo-boos. We are the ones they confide in. We mold and shape them into the adults they will one day become.
Therein lies the importance of not losing ourselves. If we completely lose who we are when our children are younger, who will we be when they no longer need us to hold them or rock them or fix every single problem? Just as important, if we completely lose ourselves in “mothering” how will our children fully understand how to not lose themselves? The “selves” we as mothers worked so hard to develop?
How Can You Stop Losing Yourself in Motherhood?
- Start up a hobby that you used to do before you had children.
- Fit in me time where you can.
- Use these me time ideas from fellow moms.
- Know that you are not alone in feeling like motherhood is challenging.
- Remember that motherhood is a season.
- Connect with other moms.
- Make an effort to make mom friends.
Do you feel as if sometimes you’re losing yourself in motherhood? If you don’t, how have you avoided feeling like this?
Mom Motivation Mondays is a weekly series where contributing writers share their motherhood experiences to encourage you to find the joy in being a mom.
{This week: Post by Heather}
Heather lives in Florida with her husband, two girls and two pups. She is a lover of most things in life, too many to name here without scaring you, but a few include working out, learning new recipes, Pinterest, organizing (yes, it’s true!), home decor and learning to lead a more minimal and purposeful life.
She started Just Becoming Me as a venture to better understand herself and what will lead her towards a more fulfilling life. Her motto is: “We only have one life, and I want to learn to live mine in a way that gets me excited to jump out of bed.”
Heather’s previous Mom Motivation Mondays posts:
The Part of Me My Children Will Never Know
I Don’t Enjoy All Moments of Being a Mom
View the archives of Mom Motivation Mondays:
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My daughter just turned one and this article just made me cry… I miss who I used to be before I had the soul-sucking job of raising a tiny human almost by myself. I have no family to watch her, distrust daycares and strangers from personal experiences, and my husband is always either at work or lounging on the couch. At 24 I don’t even remember who I used to be. I’m doing good to get the house cleanish and a 15-min shower most days. I used to have so many hobbies… I’m praying that things will get easier the older she gets. Thanks for all the great articles and encouragement!
Hang in there! I have felt this way too. It will all be worth it. Your relationship with your daughter will forever be built in the moments right now where you are feeling she is taking so much of you. I know how that feels! It will get easier. I was one who did not use daycare either. Look for a moms group in your area to start connecting with moms who also are in the same stage of motherhood. I am glad you found this blog too to help you along the way.
I am going through this same exact thing ?????????
I’m sorry, Jayla! There is such a transition in motherhood. We really do become a new version of ourselves. You will become exactly who God needs you to be. Hang in there!
I can completely relate to this post. It has been a huge struggle trying to keep who I am as a person and not just as a mama. It’s not easy finding yourself when you are being hung off of every hour of the day. I am finally able to say that I am happy with myself as a person, because I have found hobbies that I love and I think it makes me a better mom in the end. I love that you included some ideas on how other moms can stop losing themselves. Great post!
#mommymeetupmondays
Tori
It is such a balancing act for so many moms. Heather really did tap into exactly that feeling that so many moms experience. Thanks for stopping by, Tori!
This post is absolutely amazing. This is exactly how I felt as a new mom…and I still get to feeling that way sometimes. It is SO hard to let go of guilt and do anything for myself, but it is something I am slowly but surely getting better at. I fell like a lot of moms go through this, and this is exactly why I started my blog, to let other’s know that they are not alone in this, and that you can overcome it.
Thank you so much for sharing with us at #MommyMeetupMondays!
Brandyn, that is the beauty of blogging, isn’t it? That connection with other moms who ‘get it.’ Thanks so much for stopping by!
Heather I see your compassion for being a mom and your desire to live well. Our kids are watching us and when we are ourselves we influence them in a positive way. Our kids love to see us get excited about life and they get a kick out of the things that make us smile. It’s fun bringing kids into the day to day activities that we enjoy doing. When kids see that we care about our gifts, talents, and joys – they too will seek to discover their own. Thanks for sharing such an honest post. It got me to thinking. What can I do to shine before my kids so that they can see that there is a dance in me.??
Wise words, Lisa! We can always tap into ourselves to share light and love with our children. I love how you describe this.
I love this! It so describes me when I had our last child (my only little girl.) She’s 19 months now and I am just now pulling myself out of the fog and working to find “me” again. I couldn’t have said this any better.
There really is a season to every purpose. How exciting that you can get back to more of what fuels you! Heather did a great job sharing here what so many moms feel in the challenging days of being a mom.
This is so true! Only now with my first being two and a half am I trying to find myself again. Slowly but it’s something. Thanks for this.
It does take time. I think infants and toddlers need us so much more than we realize until we are in the thick of mothering. We can’t help but let some of ourselves go to focus on our children. It is part of the season, but how exciting that you are finding things calming down a bit now.