Stop Telling Moms to Ask for Help

Welcome to Mom Motivation Mondays where weekly contributing writers share their motherhood experiences to encourage you to find the joy in being a mom.

{This week: Post by Jaimi}

I was waking up every couple of hours at night to breastfeed, and then waking up early the next morning to get my oldest ready for school. That did not leave me with much energy to clean, cook and interact with the kids as much as I should have.

Going all day long and doing it all again the next night left me full of the mom exhaustion. I tried to ask for help, but no one could give it.

We lived in survival mode, which I guess is still living. Living across the country from all family, we were alone in an anti-social neighborhood. My closest friend lived an hour away. Friends and family said if you need anything, just let us know, but what could they really do from hundreds of miles away?

I posted a desperate Facebook update looking for help. My hope was that someone nearby could come over to help me wrangle the kids so I could fold laundry. I wished that they could entertain the children for 20 minutes so I could clean the bathrooms. I am sure the state of them violated some health code!

My call for help was not answered. I often briefly wish people would stop telling moms to ask for help!

We are told from the time we are pregnant,

“If you need help, just ask,”

“Be sure to ask if you need help,”

“If you need anything, just let me know,”

but how many people can actually be of help to us when the baby is running a 103 degree fever at midnight, or we have loads of laundry piling up and just need another set of hands to fold?

These situations are enough to push moms into feeling desperate and isolated, yet they are the challenges that all moms face.

Other moms have their own challenges and obligations too. So what do we do?

Do we really understand in this generation exactly what help means?

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Gal 6:2

I define help as need. I have had friends and family offer help. I have even had friends and family give help during major life adjustments like a new baby or a big move. There are times when we have been given more than we needed from others. There are also times when the help we were given did not cover our needs, or help just plain did not exist when I needed it.

I wish people would stop telling moms to ask for help, and just offer it.

It is depressing to feel in need, over-extended, at your limit, just to have no one able to help you get back in balance after you take their advice and ask for help.

I was in tears a few times during the twins’ first year. Tears because I could not keep up with the needs.

I had to set aside my two older children many times to focus on the twins. It was moments of challenge that would pop up that were the tough times. I could not predict when they would occur so I could not plan to arrange help in preparation to avoid being overwhelmed.

I wish people would stop telling moms to ask for help, and just offer it. Just tell a mom you are going to be there. Giver her a day, ask her for a time, and just show up. Do what she needs you to do then.

Need some ideas?

Things You Can Do to Help A Mom

-Provide a meal, even when she is not expecting a baby

-Help her clean her house, or watch her kids while she cleans

-Assist during tough times of the day, dinner prep/homework time for example

-Call her, text her, or email her to ask how her day is going

-Buy her a coffee and drop it off as a surprise

-Listen to her bad day story and don’t ‘one up her’ with how your day was worse, just sympathize.

-Help her fold laundry

-Drive her kids to school for her, or alternate with a carpool.

-Research some new simple recipes and email them or print them off for her.

-Invite her and her family over for dinner.

-Invite her over for coffee.

-Meet up to walk together.

–Print off a copy of these mom motivation quotes and give them to her in little frames.

-Pick a night when you can have a girls night in.

-Meet up at a playground or library storytime.

-Enroll your kids in the same class or sport as so you can have time to talk while the kids are in their event.

-Pick up a pizza or grab takeout and drop it off before she would be prepping dinner.

-Make her a set of DIY spa items with essential oils so she has a reason to spend a little time on herself.

-Offer to take her kids to the park so she can get some time to herself or work on her to-do list.

It is not hard, it just requires effort. Effort that may leave a load of laundry unfolded at your house for a bit. But what you give that mom in that 20 minutes or 1 hour, will stick with her forever.

Often we want to help another mom, but get caught up in our daily life and become “too busy.”

If I have time to scroll through Facebook for 20 minutes, if I have time to write a blog post, if I have time to browse in the craft store, then I have time to help a friend in need.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Phil 2:4

There are times in our motherhood journey when we are the ones who need help more than we can find time to give it. I have felt that way for the past 2 years with the twins. I try-and fail-to get people meals after they have a baby, because my household leaves my hands full.

I think we all know the people in our lives that need.

We know when we have more than we need.

We need to be watching for how we can help fulfill needs.

If you are not prepared to actually help another mom in the way that they need, then stop telling moms to ask for help.

A note to the moms who feel they need help, but can’t find it:

During my last 9 years of being a mom, I have had many moments where I thought I needed help, but ended up getting through the challenge on my own. It may have been combined with a lot of frustration and exhaustion, but I have learned I can usually do more than I think! Don’t give up hope! Motherhood is challenging for all of us. You are not alone.

Join our private Facebook group for encouragement from moms who are in your shoes.

Have you always had help when you needed it? How have you helped moms you know?

 

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Enjoy your time at home!